Who passed and who failed on the Roast of Somizi scorecard?

9 May, 2018 - 08:01

The celebrities on stage at The Comedy Central Roast of Somizi had over 5.5m followers on Twitter, so it's no surprise the Roast trended there. But how did the celebs handle the live audience? Read our R18 scorecard below, then go watch the extended, uncensored version that's now on Showmax, and let us know how you'd score them, using #roastza on social media.

SKHUMBA

Pre-roast fear factor: 9/10

Hottest roast: To Gareth Cliff: You know you are useless in life when you leave a show and no one cries. When you left Idols, no one... Not even Unathi.

Coldest shade: I'm the face of McCafe: happy, bright, exciting. And DSTV. You have OLX. Ugly, old, difficult to sell. Somizi

Post-roast rating: 10/10

Watch: https://youtu.be/nvayDAkBW1o

JOANNE JOSEPH

Pre-roast fear factor: 6/10

Hottest roast: Somizi, I love you but you were really crap in Sarafina when you tried to play that straight guy.

Coldest shade: Joanne, you went from a national TV station to a regional radio station - your career is in reverse. You're like the Benjamin Button of South African media. What's next for you? Touch HD? Gareth Cliff

Post-roast rating: 9/10

Watch: https://youtu.be/pNMB1gYqsCw

SCHALK BEZUIDENHOUT

Pre-roast fear factor: 6/10

Hottest roast: I'm very sad that you're no longer single. The last time I had sex with someone as beautiful as you was when I was f**king Maps Maponyane You know the guilty smile he has on those Samsung ads? That's because he exploded harder than the Galaxy Note 7.

Hottest roast [alternate, safer version]: Gareth, I don't understand how there's so much hatred coming out of your mouth when so many men have put love inside it.

Coldest shade: Schalk, you look poor, like you've wasted your white privilege... We take one look at you and we know you don't have the land. Skhumba

Post-roast rating: 8/10

Watch: https://youtu.be/G9oD7XG7tI4

NOMZAMO MBATHA

Pre-roast fear factor: 7/10

Hottest roast: To Gareth Cliff: How does it feel to be back on TV? Don't get used to it; it's won't last very long.

Coldest shade: Shes actually done a lot for the LGBTI... No, she has. Shes dated more famous gay men than I have. Somizi

Post-roast rating: 8/10

DJ FRESH

Pre-roast fear factor: 8/10

Hottest roast: This is probably the biggest audience you've had since 5FM; how does it feel? You know, you've lost so much relevance that nobody even hates you anymore... The moral of the Gareth Cliff story is, Don't start a spaza radio...'

Coldest shade: Fresh has released 38 albums. Well, since he doesn't actually produce music like some of us, he's just released 38 playlists. Fresh, we all like burning mix CDs for our friends, but we dont call it a career. Kurt Darren

Post-roast rating: 8/10

FIKILE MBALULA

Pre-roast fear factor: 10/10

Hottest roast: Ntsiki, you are living proof that fame has a plus one Your sister is famous for being the lead singer in Bongo Muffin and you are just an angry muffin.

Coldest shade: You are useless... The ANC promoted Bathabile Dlamini. And they demoted you. And you are sober. Skhumba

Post-roast rating: 8/10

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KURT DARREN

Pre-roast fear factor: 9/10

Hottest roast: Somizi, I did some research before I came here. I even read your book. Your book is so thin, I use it as a bookmark when I read the newspaper.

Coldest shade: Kurt Darren at the moment doesnt look like Bruce Jenner before the operation or after the operation. He looks like Bruce Jenner when he was in that halfway-through phase. When youre not sure if hes a 50-year old man or a 60-year old lesbian. Schalk Bezuidenhout

Post-roast rating: 8/10

Watch: https://youtu.be/_hVIphy-OWA

NTSIKI MAZWAI

Pre-roast fear factor: 7/10

Hottest roast: DJ Fresh. The Mmusi Maimane of the entertainment industry. I remember when you went to 5FM, you even changed your accent and everything, hey bru?

Coldest shade: I went onto your Instagram and it said you were a poet. I read some of your poetry and it said you're not a poet. Schalk Bezuidenhout

Post-roast rating: 3/10

Let us know on social media how you'd have scored the celebs, using #roastza.

Disclaimer: The show you're about to watch is not for sensitive viewers. It contains commentary littered with strong language, prejudice, personal insults, unsavoury references to participants' family members, disagreeable body part comparisons, and much, much more. We're being serious here: if you are under 18 or easily offended, this is not the show for you.

But as roast master Gareth Cliff said, It's an entertainment show. No one in their right mind is going to take this seriously. It's like Twitter

For more information, please visit www.showmax.com/eng/comedycentralroastofsomizi. If you want a taste of what Somizi went through, roast yourself using the Showmax Roast Generator at https://blog.showmax.com/burn-generator/.

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