-- Michael Barrymore talks to Jeremy Kyle
Episode one: Monday 9 June at 2pm - 3pm on ITV
- On his sexuality - I would be dead if I hadn't come out
- On suicide attempt 4 years ago - I took pills
- On cheryl - I never punched her
- On swimming pool death - I feel some responsibility
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In a candid and emotional interview about his life on and off screen, Michael Barrymore has told Jeremy Kyle that he believes he would be dead today if he hadn't come out as gay, how he feels some responsibility for the death of Stuart Lubbock in 2001 and how he has finally found happiness following the lows of drink and drug addiction.
In the first of a five part series of celebrity specials airing daily at 2pm this week; Michael Barrymore talked in front of a studio audience telling Jeremy it was strange being back in the studio environment - It's the only thing I know I'm to a degree a little bit nervy and as the studio audience applauded him, he admitted: I've always been a bit bemused by my success
On addiction to drink and drugs:
I was a late starter, I didn't smoke at school, I didn't drink at school I found at a later date that my addiction was my work I was just part of this machine which was called Michael Barrymore and my wife, we were 24/7.
I wasn't an all day drinker I never took anything when I worked. I don't know how I had that discipline but I did.
Looking back to how he spiralled downwards with alcohol, Barrymore explained he would drink after a show to replace the high that comes with performing: I'd come out the studio now [for example], go into my room, a glass of wine would be there and I would take it - start on the wine - and take it as quick as I could to get as high as I could as quick as I could. The adrenalin was so hard producing these shows and the live shows and the adulation was so much that to replace it was almost impossible.
On whether drinking affected his marriage to wife, Cheryl:
I don't think it noticed too much at the beginning because we both drank, obviously I drank more I think we maybe drank the same sometimes but she controlled it better.
Speaking of his wife Cheryl, Michael said she was worried about his health but also that his drinking would affect his work which she was heavily involved in: I was her husband, her lover, her child and her career all wrapped up into one, 24/7 and that's a lot of pressure on both and I don't knock it because I think she was a major part of my success. I loved her to death despite what people write or have written in the past about what our relationship was about.
Looking back to how he felt after a night of heavy drinking, Michael said: I could bounce straight up, no headaches I never took anything before I went on, I probably had so much in me from the night before it probably didn't matter.
Responding to allegations by late wife Cheryl in her book, where she said when his alcohol intake was highest, there was violence in their relationship: No that's not true, I think when she wrote that book, Cheryl was a woman scorned. I'd taken everything away from her and I feel terrible, I did at the time. I didn't want us to split up. I had to deal with my sexuality, I wanted us to carry on but her last line to me tragically was, I made you, I'll break you .
The only time I've ever pushed Cheryl is [when I] pushed her away from me when I've had six inch nails clawing into my face which I think is fair enough. I've never punched her in my life, I've never hit any woman.
On his favourite drug: My favourite was weed because it makes you laugh and I liked laughing That's why I took it, you get the giggles for about eight hours.
On the turning point when he realised using drink and drugs had gone from being fun to being self-destructive, Barrymore relived a time he was filming one of his entertainment shows: I remember being on the studio floor at London Weekend [Television] making [Strike it Rich or Barrymore] and I was very irritable and I've always had a great relationship with the crews We worked hard and we played hard and we had to do retakes and I was getting really, really uptight, very unlike me and my mind was thinking get this over and done with, get upstairs and I can have a drink' And when I thought it through I thought that is so sad someone's looked down on you and given you all this and you're more interested [in having a drink] and I thought, this is it, it's bad.
On whether the addictive personality was a mask hiding his true sexuality: I did truly believe that my drinking problems, anything else that I took was because I was suppressing the fact that I may or may not be gay or it was getting more and more [apparent] that I was. Then when I did come out, actually the drinking got worse so I found out it was nothing to do with that at all.
Jeremy showed Michael clips from the National Television Awards where Barrymore made an emotional speech for the first time since coming out as gay saying he was happy and thanking people for their support as an emotional Cheryl sat in the audience. Visibly tearful, Michael said: That was the night we were trying to get back together, we were trying to work out a way that we could do it and I don't think she would accept that I was gay at all because we had a full life together, complete life... It just came to a head that night and I think because our lives were so exposed anyway whether it was by design or not I said earlier, she said I made you, I'll break you that was at the [Royal] Albert Hall and we never saw each other again until I got the phonecall to say she had died. I didn't
