Save This Script By John Morley and Mark Suszko
Mark Suszko November 9, 2022
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Each installment of this series is a scenario in which a writer/producer team is confronted with a problem script. The scenario, written in screenplay format, revolves around a typical client management situation that can lead to a problem script. Join John Morley and Mark Suszko in this first episode as they Save This Script!
Great videos start with a great script.
Sometimes, the scripts aren't so great.
We're script doctors; come, watch us operate.
In each installment of this series, a writer/producer team is confronted with a creative challenge. The scenario, written in screenplay format, revolves around a typical client management situation that can lead to a problem script.
The problem script itself can then be read, followed by some back-and-forth as the creative team rises to the challenge.
Each installment ends with the finished makeover script being pitched to the client. Brief commentary then further explores the strategies and insights that drove the script make-over.
FADE IN: INT. BOTTOM LINE PLUMBING, PRESIDENTS OFFICE - DAY The company president, PHIL, sits across his desk from MARK, who is a principal in Glendower Productions, and sits taking notes.PHILWeve been doing radio spots for years, but now want to take it up a notch with a 30-second TV spot. MARK Are you targeting a particular type of customer? PHIL We know its the ladies who call. A lot more often than the guys. A lot of it is referrals from happy customers, too. MARK And whats most important to the ladies? PHIL Speed. They need it fixed the same day. MARK You can do that? PHIL Whatever it takes. I got stories... MARK Is there anything from the radio ads we need to keep; anything that really rings a bell with customers? PHIL We want a clean break. Its TV. We can be creative, yknow. So how bout this: A lady is telling her friend about us? MARK Good. Gives it that third-party endorsement feel, ties in to referrals. Phil pushes a piece of paper across the desk toward Mark PHIL My wife likes the idea so much she wrote the script for it herself. You might have to jazz it up a little with that special effects stuff you guys use, but since we wrote the script, there should be a break on price, right?
Client-Provided Script
BOTTOM-LINE PLUMBING
30 seconds TV
(2 WOMEN AT A TABLE,
Client's suggested script)
(MIDGE) Say, Betty, how are you doing? Haven't seen you here at the book club for a while.
(BETTY) Oh, Midge, I've been too busy trying to pick a plumber who is both experienced and affordable, and who does the work fast, because I need some repairs done to my bathroom
(MIDGE) Well, you should call 555-5432.
(BETTY) 555-5432?
(MIDGE) Yes, 555-5432 is the number for Bottom Line Plumbing
(BETTY) Bottom Line Plumbing? You mean the ones located just south of the Olde Tyme Mall on Route 123, corner of 123 and North Ash Tree Street? With convenient off-street parking?
(MIDGE) Yes, and did you know, they charge ten percent less on the first Monday of every month, when you show your frequent caller card?
(BETTY) Really!
(MIDGE) And, Bottom Line has been family-owned and operated for thirty years, with licensed and bonded plumbers who all take a certification from the Plumber's Institute of technology?
(BETTY) No, I did NOT know THAT! Well, now I know the best place to call for a plumbing repair is Bottom Line, at 555-5432 ! But how did YOU know all of that?
(MIDGE) Maybe because I married a plumber! (BOTH LAUGH)
(NARRATOR/JINGLE) Great plumbing service in the shortest time, sit tight and call us: Bottom Line .
INT. GLENDOWER OFFICE - DAY Mark, and another company principal, JOHN, are reviewing the client-provided script. JOHN Its meant to be ironic, right? MARK Not unless jazz it up with special effects is the new code for irony. Who TALKS like THAT!?!?! JOHN Wait. Thats just the tone people associate with the early days of TV. Retro-chic is cool. MARK Its cool when it makes the audience nostalgic for something they think used to be better. This kinda on-the-nose crap never worked. Its more like a catalog of bad examples of clunky writing. JOHN It would be asking a lot of our audience to know about early TV stereotypes, get the reference, and get that its a parody. MARK Yeah. My point: They use so many brain cells figuring out the joke that they miss the message. Also, were using most of the time just setting up the gag, and not selling... They stare into space. JOHN At least hes clear on audience. So, what do ladies really like? MARK A Mercedes convertible? JOHN Spoken like a guy. How about a wedding? MARK Were not selling romance, John. JOHN But we are selling grace under pressure and reliability. MARK Thats a more... elegant way than Phil put it... JOHN But they are critical at any event. A wedding is a highly stressful event for the ladies, and your friend Sarah shoots weddings, right? MARK You are so non sequitur. JOHN And Im sure she would have a customer who would like to save a few bucks if we could just use their wedding party for extras in a few stills. MARK Wherever you are going with this, just have a rewrite ready for us to pitch in our next meeting, and... JOHN Budget is an issue. Yeah; yeah. INT. BOTTOM LINE PLUMBING, PRESIDENTS OFFICE - DAY Phil sits across his desk from John and Mark, who are well into their pitch. JOHN The ladies love looking at each others wedding albums, right? So this gives them a logical reason to be talking. Looking down onto the book, we dont need to show the room. MARK You just see hands turning the album pages and the photographs full screen. JOHN And if your business card is in the album, that would be the strong ending visual saying happy customer. The graphic leads right into saying the all-important phone number.
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Save This Script By John Morley and Mark Suszko 
