Prison journalism: The silence of the hole is maddeningAfter six years in the hole, the mental exhaustion is unbearable. So is the need for human connection. A story shared by a prisoner in Pennsylvania.
by Prison Journalism Project
16-08-2023 17:16
in Prison Journalism
Solitary confinement in prison. Image by flickr.com
Prison Journalism Project trains incarcerated writers to become journalists and publishes their stories. Subscribe to Inside Story to receive exclusive behind-the-scene looks at our best stories, as well as author profiles and other insights.
--
Boom! Boom! Boom! I'm tired!
That noise startled me awake at 5 a.m. Five hours later, the sound continued. Sweat ran down my neck and soaked my shirt. I had been pacing for hours, and each time my neighbour banged on his door, desk or bunk, my adrenaline spiked.
Boom! Boom! Boom! I'm tired!
--
It was June 2012, two years into my incarceration, slightly more than six months after I was sentenced to serve eight to 20 years in a Pennsylvania prison. And only four months after I turned 20 years old.
I had been in the hole, or solitary confinement, for three days.
Boom! Boom! Boom! I'm tired!
--
Eventually my anger got the better of me, and I yelled into the vent: Well, lay down! I'm tired of hearing you!
After a brief silence, he said in a hoarse and barely audible voice: I'm sorry.
My anger dissipated. Now I was curious, and I asked my neighbor why he was banging. Rah-Rah - as he told me to call him - began to recount that he'd been in solitary for 13 years. He wasn't receiving treatment for his mental illnesses, which he said were only compounded by his circumstances.
There were 122,000 people locked in solitary confinement in the United States on any given day in 2019, according to a report by Solitary Watch and the Unlock the Box campaign. That number amounted to roughly 6% of the total U.S. prison and jail population during that time.
A prolonged stay in solitary confinement, which the United Nations has called a form of psychological torture, can often last longer than a month. People who spend time in solitary are at greater risk of experiencing adverse psychological, emotional and behavioural effects - and research has shown that the hole can shorten lives, even after release. About half of prison suicides are suffered by those in solitary confinement.
MY FRIEND RAH-RAH
Back then - when I heard Rah-Rah's cries for help - I didn't understand that my neighbor, like most human beings, just needed the mental and emotional stimulation that comes from social interaction. I didn't understand that our conversation through the air vent was an escape from years of isolation.
More than a decade later, I am six years into my own indefinite bout of solitary confinement. Sitting in this tiny cell, I have reflected a lot on that day talking to Rah-Rah. I don't know how I've kept my sanity.
Some days the silence becomes too loud. I'm tempted to bang, to make noise so loud it drowns out the deafening silence - not to disturb others, but to feel alive.
I understand now better than ever how my old neighbor felt. This mental exhaustion is more draining than any physical fatigue I've ever felt.
I'm tired!
Disclaimer: The views in this article are those of the author. Prison Journalism Project has verified the writer's identity and basic facts such as the names of institutions mentioned.
Written by Antoine Indy Walker for The Prison Journalism Project
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Prison journalism: The silence of the hole is maddeningAfter six years in the hole, the mental exhaustion is unbearable. So is the need for human connection. A story shared by a prisoner in Pennsylvania.
