Upfronts 06: Kimmel Takes on ABC and the Competition

At ABCs upfront presentation, Jimmy Kimmel again bit the hand that feeds him by ripping into the TV business and the advertising world.

Kimmel signed a new three-year deal with ABC, but when he was done, new ABC Entertainment president Channing Dungey joked that she was wondering if maybe the deal wasnt closed.

Heres what he had to say.

Its so good to be here again. Isnt it?

This is the 14th time Ive been here at the upfront in New York. I have to admit Ive actually started to look forward to this. ABC has become like a family to me. This is kind of our family reunion every year. Wheres Uncle Paul? Oh thats right. I forgot. I feel bad for Paul Lee. Hes a very smart guy and you hate to see anyone, especially a British person, lose his dental plan.

Related: Upfronts 2016: Diversity Works, Says ABC's Dungey in Her First Upfront Spiel

[Lees replacement] Channing Dungey is the first African American female network president ever to pick up a show about a talking dog.

I dont know if youre familiar with Channings background. She began her career working as a story editor for Steven Seagals film company where she was so successful she was able to get people to go see movies starring Steven Seagal.

How are you guys holding up. Was it a long day yesterday? Fucking NBC. Did they mention they have the Olympics? We dont have the Olympics this summer. We have BattleBots this summer.

Last time NBC had the Olympics, Bob Costas got pink eye. Rumor has it theyre planning to give him the Zika virus.

NBCUniversal combined all their networks into one mammoth four and a half hour presentation called NBC F U yesterday. Im glad they combined them. Theres too many. Its crazy. Do Crackle and Vox and Vevo really needs to have upfronts? These arent networks. These are sound effects when Batman crunches a bad guy.

And really, do you guys learn anything from these presentations? Lets call this what it is. Its a Ted Talk where you leave dumber than when you got there.

ABC is the most diverse network. Why? Ill tell you why. Because the other networks are terrible racists. ABC embraced diversity like no other network, which is why Im so proud to announce this years most exciting new drama Gay Black Doctor Cop. You havent seen them yet, but weve got new comedies. Weve got Downward Dog, which as I mentioned is a show about a talking dog. Were just fucking with you now, right? Downward Dog is actually a yoga position where you put your hands and feet on the floor and your butt up in the air. Kind of like what were asking you guys to do this week.

This is interesting. To get the mutt to perform, the trainer had to reward him with little pieces of bacon, which is actually the same way they got John Travolta to do his lines on The People v. O.J. Simpson.

Fox made a very bold move this years. They became the first network to stop reporting live plus same day ratings. And its a good idea, but I feel like the argument would carry more weight if they werent in last place. Its like the Knicks announcing theyre no longer going to use the final score to determine the outcome. It doesnt reflect the reality of the modern basketball game.

A lot of networks arent looking at these live same day ratings. Our network and NBC object to the term same day since so many of our viewers watch our shows on demand. CBS objects to the term live because so many of their viewers arent.

One of the trends is that millennials are leaving the networks in droves, which I guess is a problem. Are we really going to let these vaping, Snapchatting, music stealing little fuckers determine how we do business?

Here at ABC 18 to 49 isnt just our target demo, its the number of people who watched Wicked City last season.

This is expected to be a very big week spending wise. Theyre saying that the network TV business is making a comeback. All of those people are network executives, but they are saying it. The good news is that with all of the many options out there traditional television is still king. 2016 is an exciting time in broadcast television in the same way that 1937 was an exciting time to be on the Hindenburg.

But we do have room for improvement. We will admit that many viewers are upset because there are so many commercials now. Theres been a lot of talk about heavier ad loads, which is by far the most disgusting thing Ive heard you people say all week.

YouTube now has these six-second bumper ads that you cannot skip. Google calls the new ads a quick and fun format. Nice try Google. Go back to work drawing a fun logo for National Waffle Day you dickheads.

Viewers love streaming content and ABC gets that we do, which is why Im proud to announce our new show Porn. Its a little bit slow to start, but it gets good at the end.

In order for broadcast television to survive we have to stay current, and thats why were bringing you fresh new shows like MacGyver, Prison Break, 24, Training Day, the $100,000 Pyramid and Match Game.

Yesterday Fox said their audience is younger and their content is buzzier. And Ill add that their bull is shittier. Fox picked up a series based on The Exorcist and Lethal Weapon. All your favorite VHS tapes are now network series. You know they decided to remake The Exorcist when Gary and Dana looked at their ratings and started projectile vomiting. Fox now has The Exorcist on the schedule and Lucifer, which actually is a show based on the life of their founder Rupert Murdoch. So, the devil is on their side. And theyve got Lethal Weapon. Youd think a show where the lead characters signature line is Im too old for this shit would be on CBS. CBS canceled CSI: Cyber, which is the last of the CSIs. They picked up a number of new dramas, which is good, I guess. I mean its amazing CBS is able to pick anything up considering the osteoporosis.

The average CBS viewer looks like the Red Woman from Game of Thrones without

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